FINDING MY VOICE AGAIN
BY CARRIE MURRAY BEAVERS
Join me for a large cup of coffee, while I tell you my story. Unfortunately, it is not unique to many female Veterans, but it does have a happy ending.
THIS SHOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED
It happened one night while sleeping in an open bay at Army AIT. If you didn’t want to be yelled at by a drill sergeant the whole time you were making your bed, you slept on top of the covers. I also slept in PT uniform of a t-shirt and shorts on the top bunk. I was awoken by my Drill Sergeant’s hand slowly moving up my leg, up over my body, and down my arm. I opened my eyes and when I saw him standing there, I immediately closed my eyes and froze. I could not move, I could not think and action was out of the question. What happened that night changed my life forever at the tender age of 18. I was too afraid to report it at the time, and even if I did, would they believe me?
One minute I was a happy, trusting, and hopeful young woman with a bright future ahead of me. But afterwards I was depressed mess. I rolled up in a ball on the floor crying, not knowing why this happened to me, and even worse, that feeling of being powerless to do anything about it. The moment I left AIT I suppressed the incident ever happened. I was in complete denial.
MOVING ON…TO SELF-DESTRUCTION
Germany was my first duty station in 1991, during the Gulf War. Alcohol and drugs had never been in my wheelhouse, but drinking excessively and doing a variety of drugs became my normal. Anything I could do to numb my feelings, and not face the pain. I had no idea that I had PTSD, I just knew something was very wrong!
I met and dated my future husband in Germany. We had a very on again, off again relationship. It was just so hard for me to trust, or respect a man. But, we married in 1993 and I transitioned out of the Army to Ft. Bragg where he was stationed.
I had a very hard time transitioning to civilian life, so I joined the Army Reserves and was assigned with the 82nd Aviation as support. I also got a civilian job in sales, but I was fired because I could not make the sales quota. It felt like I was being thrown into another world, being expected to know how to navigate in civilian life. After only 4 months after my discharge from active duty, I reenlisted active duty Army as a Combat Medic.
LET’S TRY THIS AGAIN…
I was assigned to Womack Army Medical Center. I went from being the soldier that was picked for having the best uniform to escort the Generals around during my previous enlistment, to not getting along with my chain of command. I was demoted, but later on earned back my rank. I was the medic that the Army nurses came to do things because I was great at my job. I was assigned to Smoke Bomb Hill Family Practice to take care of Special Forces family Members. I helped to manage the clinic, and yet, I struggled to get along with my chain of command once again. It was also at this time that my husband & I had separated, just one of multiple separations.
Still not knowing I had PTSD or what PTSD was, I just knew that I was self-sabotaging my life off and on. I worked in stressful jobs as a nurse in the ER and other areas of healthcare because I felt drawn to the stress.
FINALLY, A TURNING POINT!
Fast forward to 2019, I was really struggling. I was tired of my own shit for the last 30 years and I was considering suicide. I was in a very low place and felt stuck there. I finally reached out to a Veteran group for help and started to notice that numerous Vets were expressing that they wanted to end their life too. I reached out to them as a good listener and someone they could relate to.
I started working with a Veterans crisis team and I saw that I was making a difference in other Veterans lives and giving them hope, but I was still struggling with suicidal thoughts myself. I decided to go to the VA for help. I put in a claim for PTSD related to MST (Military Sexual Trauma). After 2-years and much frustration, I was awarded 100 percent disability. The counseling at the VA, combined with networking with other Veteran groups online, helped me a lot. I networked with other Veterans online and found a community of support that has really changed my life.
A NEW BEGINNING…
In 2020, I started my own business, Soldier Girl Coffee. I also created an affiliate program to help inspire other Veterans that you can have PTSD, find healthy coping mechanisms, and do anything you want to do in this life as long as you don’t give up. Do not wait 30 years like I did. My advice, get help early on. I let PTSD from the trauma of MST control my life and silence my voice for far too long.
I found that CBD oil is also a tool that has helped my PTSD, and that is why I am offering a 100% THC Free CBD infused coffee in hopes that others will find it can help them too.
Finally, while it may have been a rocky road, I am damn proud to be a Veteran who served my country. Don’t get me wrong, there are still days that PTSD rears it’s ugly head, but with the love and listening ear of my Veteran brothers and sisters, those dark days are fewer and further in between. I am committed to using my business and my resources to continue to work within the Veteran community supporting programs that prevent Veteran suicide, Veteran homelessness, and put a spotlight on women Veterans to find and use their voice.
Editors Note ** According to National data from VA’s national screening program, reveals that about 1 in 3 women and 1 in 50 men respond “yes,” that they experienced MST, when screened by their VA provider. Although rates of MST are higher among women because there are so many more men than women in the military, there are actually significant numbers of women and men seen in VA who have experienced MST. (https://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/docs/mst_general_factsheet.pdf)