A WILD RIDE
By Annette Whittenberger
My life didn’t happen to me; it happened for me…
My military story started with a girl from high school and my dad.
Growing up I never realized how many branches of service there were. All I knew was the Army. I had no idea until later in life that my grandfather from my dad’s side served in the Peruvian Air Force or that my uncle by marriage (also from my dad’s side) served in the Army. Both him and I actually served in the same Division. I really felt like this path was meant for me.
This girl in high school enlisted in our senior year, and I was absolutely fascinated and a little envious. I was not brave enough to sign that paper until I was in college. I still tease her til this day of how it was her fault I joined the Army.
My dad on the other hand didn’t believe that women should join the military back in 1997. That was just one way of telling me to do it. I was stubborn and independent. There was no way that anyone was going to stop me from doing what was already ingrained into my head.
I don’t regret joining the military. I do regret some of the decisions I made due to my immaturity, stubbornness and fear of losing the things that I worked very hard at achieving. I was raised to be tough, and showing anything other than that was not something I knew how to do. Being tough changed me in ways that I wish I could change now. I lost myself through the years.
Behind the uniform was also a person who had a caring heart, who was sympathetic and would do anything to make someone else happy. I turned into a person who pretended she was tougher than she looked. I stopped smiling and kept wearing the mask that I thought I needed to wear in order to survive this life.
This life consisted of sexual assaults, suicidal attempts, depression, anxiety and post traumatic stress syndrome. I ruined my marriage and was a terrible parent. I drank to numb the pain and acted completely out of character. Who the hell was I turning into?
I thought I had it all under control… until I didn’t.
I am very blessed to have been able to make it to over 17 years of service but on the actual day of retirement, I was broken hearted and completely lost. I felt like a failure and isolated myself from anyone and everyone. Why was I not good enough? Why did this happen to me?
I was handed the flag in a box with the certificate of appreciation inside. I looked at it and could feel my chest tighten. I walked out of the building, opened the car door, heavily sat inside and cried. These were not tears of joy or relief. These were tears of sadness like there was a loss in the family. That family was me.
Some of my peers wanted to be excited for me as it was finally time to get out. Some were jealous because they wished it were them that could be released from this life. I, on the other hand, had mixed emotions. Loss, grief, anger and resentment. I was so angry. I should have tried harder. I should have taken that one job. I should have put myself first. If I didn’t have to take care of the kids all the time, then I could have excelled quicker. These thoughts overcame me as I tried to come up with the answers I needed for closure. I was paralyzed and couldn’t find my way out until I uttered the words, “I will be ok”.
As of November 1, 2021 it has been 6 years since I retired. I have been able to say the words “I will be ok”. I have also been able to share that this life happened for me and not to me. I went through all of the hell just so that I can be here today to help others through their own type of hell. I will never stop having faith that God saved me when I didn’t feel I was worth saving. He put me through the hard lessons because he knew that I would learn and do something with them one day.
Why me? Because I have lived the life of someone who can help you live instead of suffering through life’s most difficult obstacles and come out even stronger than before.