3 Reasons Why Women Struggle with Their Veteran Identity
By Caroline Herschbach
If you were to pass a veteran on the street, how would you know? Chances are, you wouldn’t. Not unless they were choosing to self-identify in some way, either by what they wear or what they say.
For most Veterans, this isn’t a problem. Having served in the military is only part of our identity, and if missing out on a few perks, like a free popcorn at the movies, means maintaining your privacy, then it’s a fair trade-off. But what if the drawbacks were something greater?
For many women, not identifying as a Veteran isn’t just about missing out on popcorn. It can mean missing out on vital resources, like care from the VA or business support. It can also create a chasm between who you are and who you want to be.
Recently, I’ve interviewed fellow female Veterans about their post-service challenges. Specifically, the question has been about what has been holding them back from embracing their identity and being where they want to be in life. And while each Veteran has their own story and their own challenges, three consistent themes keep reappearing: difficulties with community building, imposter syndrome, and being generally frustrated and exhausted by having to continually defend their Veteran status.
Difficulties with community building
Having a community – a network of individuals that provides support – is important for a successful post-military life. But this is one area where many Veteran women say they struggle the most.
In the military, your community is handed to you; you’re given a team, and you do everything with them – train, deploy, endure boredom, and (in some situations) share deodorant. Outside of your immediate workmates, you are also likely to see the same people at BX/PX, commissary, or gym.
While the inherent community of military life can be very rewarding, for women who join right out of high school or college, it can also limit their experiences in learning how to build a post-service community on their own. Unlike their civilian peers, many of the foundational skills, such as discovering who you are and who you like to be around, are established within the small world of the military, and the even smaller niche of women who are in it.
Once a woman leaves the service, if she is not in an environment that readily provides a built-in community, like her hometown, she can be at a loss for how to build that support system. And, in an attempt to find connections, she may downplay or even hide her military experience. Even if she doesn’t hide it, a Veteran woman may still feel isolated from others, either personally or professionally, because her background and perspective don’t match the peers around her.
Imposter syndrome
Imposter syndrome, the belief that you’re a fraud, can persist for a woman long after a military career is over, even when they’ve got the service record to prove they’re not. One frequently mentioned driver behind the imposter syndrome some Veteran women feel is that they don’t look like a Veteran. Anytime they highlight their military status, it can instantly put a spotlight on any body or identity issues a female vet may have. And for good reason.
One woman I spoke with told a story about how, in her post-service career, she was working with elderly patients. Seeing one man wearing his service hat, she identified herself as a Veteran as well, to which he responded by criticizing her for not keeping her fitness up. This exchange still impacts the way she thinks about herself as a Veteran.
Beyond unprovoked disparagement, not looking the part can cause a woman to lose her built-up credibility from military experience and leadership once she’s out of uniform. This, in turn, can make her feel like an imposter in a business setting. And, regrettably, it can also make a female Veteran question the validity of her service, and the deservedness of any benefits and recognition she receives.
“Frustration and exasperation”
One weekend, my husband and I were checking out of a hardware store when the cashier excitedly reached over and asked to shake his hand. As he dutifully obliged, I briefly wondered if we were the millionth customer. Then it became clear what was happening. The cashier, seeing our Veteran’s discount, was thanking my husband for his service. My husband politely explained that I was the Veteran in the family.
Female Veterans often mention the “frustration and exasperation” of having to explain or defend their military service. Even though there are close to two million female Veterans in the U.S. today, many in the civilian population still do not think of women as being Veterans. Or, if they do, they lump their experiences together with military spouses.
Fortunately, my encounter was merely awkward. Unfortunately, this is not the case for other female Veterans that have their military service overlooked or even questioned, in personal, professional, or medical situations. In those situations, it’s not just frustrating it can have major negative impacts on a Veteran’s overall well-being.
What can Veteran women do about it?
Despite these hurdles some women face with their military status, there is an easy first step anyone can take: when the chance comes up, say you’re a Veteran.
For women that struggle with that part of their identity, simply stating that you are a Veteran as part of who you are allows you to start mentally and emotionally accepting the reality of it. Each time you say it, whether to claim your free movie popcorn or checking in at a VA appointment, you reinforce the validity of your experience and who it has made you.
Even if you don’t have any trouble with the issues listed above, I still encourage other women Vets to self-identify. Because there are many women that do. By self-identifying, by claiming your free popcorn for Veterans, you can make yourself visible to others: you find the community you seek, and you can be that community for others. You can make life just a little less frustrating. And you can help normalize the fact that women, of all shapes and walks of life, can be Veterans.