FROM MY POINT OF VIEW…
FIGHTING MY WAY OUT OF THE ‘CRAB BUCKET’
By Cristie Remmel
THE LOST YEARS
Where do I begin? Or perhaps the bigger question is, who am I and who have I become? Who am I growing into as I embark into my 50’s?
For the great majority of my young adult years, I lived in a fog of panic attacks, outbursts of anger, and severe anxiety; I was disconnected from what was going on underneath my being.
My only focus was raising my children and existing. I felt lost with no direction, and the disconnect was so great that I could not reconcile it. I did seek out help throughout the years, but civilian doctors never made the connection between being a war Veteran and the symptoms I was experiencing. Nor did I offer to tell them because I was so detached. I did not realize that it was the majority of my problem.
Most of the time, my symptoms were dismissed as being stressed due to being a stay-at-home mom with 3 children while their father was gone all the time serving our country. I spent years in silent suffering.
When my marriage came to an end, I had no other choice but to face my issues. I could not hide them from myself or anyone else any longer.
FINDING THE VETERAN COMMUNITY
I got involved in the Veteran community 8 years ago out of the desire to make a difference for those coming back from the war. I wanted to offer my support.
This was the turning point I needed in my life. I found the single most important thing I was missing: my Veteran family.
My Veteran brothers and sisters made me feel like I belonged. I stopped feeling alone. Through the encouragement of my friends I finally received the help I needed by going to the VA. I started the much needed therapy I had needed for too long. It was 3 years of not missing one appointment and of doing everything I needed to do to turn my life around. I don’t regret the journey that has brought me here-and-now because I am able to understand and empathize with those who are in the place I once was.
As I look back, I don’t recognize that person at all. It seems like a another lifetime ago with a different person playing my role. When I emerged from the fog, I actually changed my hair and my outward appearance to celebrate the new me. I let go of my once dark hair, allowing the grey to shine and I also changed my entire wardrobe.
That journey has brought me amazing life experiences. I would have never believed that I would be the President of the DFW Veterans Chamber or the International and National Chamber Development Director with the United States Veterans Chamber of Commerce (USVCC). I can hardly believe that I am part of the planning committee for the Warrior Games 2022, celebrating the resiliency and dedication of wounded, ill, and injured active duty and Veteran U.S. military service members.
I have been blessed greatly by God and I know that my life makes a difference in other people’s lives. I take that knowledge very seriously and I live my life by my core values of: Leadership, Integrity, Honor and Service.
I share my journey in the hopes that this series of articles might help someone who is struggling; my way of giving back to a community that has given me so much.
LESSONS
My disclaimer is that I am not a physician of any kind, and what I write is from my own personal experience and point of view. Please seek professional help if you need to. The resources are there, and yes; you are deserving.
This is what I learned during therapy and what I’ve practiced to get to where I am today. The VA and other VSOs have wonderful resources waiting for you to learn how to get out of the crab bucket state...don’t be afraid to seek the help you need.
Anger is a very common mask that is easy to adopt and wear. Anger is a mask for a multitude of feelings. It hides frustration, sadness, disappointment, hurt feelings, and the feeling of guilt to name a few. The unconscious side of your brain takes over after any traumatic injuries of any kind. Our brain becomes dysfunctional in its pursuit to keep us safe. We get put into what I have come to coin as “the crab bucket.”
We unconsciously go into the crab bucket state where we get pulled down and are not allowed to leave. Each time we try to climb out of the bucket and see what’s on the other side, the other crabs pull us down because they want us to stay “safe and secure.” Our brain loves us so much that it will do whatever it takes to keep us secure. However, it causes more harm than good, ie. panic attacks, anxiety, nightmares, triggers, anger bursts, sadness, depression, and the biggest one, guilt: guilt that you are alive, you should’ve died back there, they died and you didn’t, I’m responsible for so many people dying...etc...the more intelligent you are, the stronger the lies your brain will tell you, thus making it harder for you to overcome the crab bucket state. Believe me, it took me 3 years of work and dedication to get out of the crab bucket.
But how do you overcome it, you ask? I want to tell you it is simple and easy; however, it is simple but not easy at all. The first thing I did was to make a plan of action. Write these questions in a notebook ahead of time: Why am I angry? What was the trigger? Was I really angry or was I sad, disappointed, disillusioned, what were the circumstances that led me to have an anger outburst, or was I simply tired?
Then each time you have an outburst of anger, the next day when the dust settles and you are much calmer, start writing your answers to those questions. Self-analysis and being honest with myself was the first step. I did not blame anyone, including myself.
Remember that your brain will lie to you: “you are not worthy, you should be dead, this doesn’t work, no matter what you do, it won’t work, you can’t control anything, the harder you try the worse it gets, you’ve been here before and you know how it goes, you are not deserving of anything good...”write those down too so that you recognize when your brain is lying to you, because it is, and it will.
Each time you have an outburst and after you calm down, go to your notebook and analyze it – write it down, then write how you could react differently. Without blame, what can you do when you feel angry? Can you go outside and take a few deep breaths? Can you go for a walk? Can you close your eyes and picture nature? I close my eyes and go to the beach. I also found a beautiful smooth small stone I carried in my pocket that I rubbed when I was beginning to feel angry or felt anxiety paying me a visit.
Plan something ahead of time that is not too complicated...maybe listen to soft music for a few minutes...breathing deep and slowly will bring your anxiety down and calm your anger. Telling yourself that “it is okay,” that you are in charge of your feelings, and that you can be in control will help you a lot. Remember in the beginning, your unconscious mind will fight you. It is going to make you angrier, fill you with more anxiety, and will frustrate you. And as twisted as this is going to sound, your unconscious brain loves you and it’s trying to protect you by keeping you in the crab bucket state; it doesn’t know any better. Expect it, because it does show up. Practice this and don’t give up because you are deserving of a better life.... I spent 3 years practicing this myself.
The most important thing to do each day is to find something to be thankful for, and it can be as simple as: I’m thankful for my toes that help me walk. Yep, even that is a great start...that is exactly where I started. I told myself that phrase every day until I found other things to be thankful for.
God has brought amazing people into my life as a result of me working through all of those challenges and seeking a better way of life. I even allowed love back into my life after swearing I would never open that door. The best thing God did for me was to put someone special in my path and this is the biggest blessing of all, I am deserving of all good things in my life, even love.
My life certainly isn’t perfect, yet it is worthwhile, and I love where I am now.
Until next time... Cristie
I want to thank Christine Walker and AT EASE! Veterans Magazine for giving me the opportunity to be a permanent fixture in this magazine. It is truly an honor to have a section dedicated to writing about anything from my point of view. I only hope that I write something that is worthwhile to read.